As survivors know, divorcing a narcissist is not a sprint, it is a marathon. My coach made that marathon far less painful and far less lonely. Through the process, I learned a few truths that still ground me today: Narcissistic abuse is naturally isolating, even after separation but we are not alone. From social service programs to food pantries, support groups, and online communities, help exists everywhere. My coach lovingly reminded me that isolation was part of the illusion. Seeing that clearly changed everything.

In high conflict divorces, gaslighting becomes one of the most powerful weapons in the narcissist’s arsenal. It is used to distort reality, exhaust you emotionally, and weaken your credibility in front of the court.

We believe in calling it what it is. Narcissists and their legal teams often rely on gaslighting to confuse professionals, silence victims, and rewrite history.

I am in the thick of a high conflict divorce with a narcissist, and I am still holding out hope they will change. Help.

First things first: give yourself the biggest hug. You are not weak. You are human.

Hoping, believing, and holding onto even a sliver of faith that your narcissistic partner or ex might change is as normal as it is painful.

Narcissists deliberately erode confidence and clarity. They want you to doubt your intelligence and second-guess your own words. So when you’re asked to explain yourself, even by someone safe, your nervous system still reacts as if you’re on trial.

In a typical divorce, there are ups and downs including some conflicts but ultimately, the divorce moves toward resolution.

If the conflict seems to escalate, and new conflicts continue to emerge over seemingly innocuous issues, you may be experiencing a high conflict divorce.

“It was during my own child custody case that I recognized the need for divorce coaches and advocates who could make real and measurable differences in the lives of those targeted by high-conflict litigants.  

I remember feeling helpless in a court system that prioritized parental rights over my child’s right to safety. I have created the program that I wish existed when I first started my child custody battle in 2009.” - Tina Swithin, Founder, High Conflict Divorce Certification Program

Myth: To guide others through high conflict divorce and/or child custody battles, I must be fully healed.

Truth: The concept of “fully healed” is rooted in shame and perfectionism. We withhold opportunities, experiences, and necessary challenges from ourselves due to a belief that we are not worthy until we are “healed”.

Traditional systems, religious, mental health, medical, legal, and so forth, simply aren’t built for the complexities of narcissistic abuse. They’re built on the fundamental principle that all people are acting on good faith.

When a player enters the system with ill-intent, manipulation, and well-disguised cruelty, it may feel like every system caters to the narcissist rather than serving the survivor.

Sleep disturbance is incredibly common for protective parents on the eve of an important court hearing. It can feel impossible to quiet your thoughts, much less get meaningful rest. When you are preparing to face the intensity of a hearing involving your high conflict or narcissistic ex, your entire body can feel on high alert.

When you’re divorcing a narcissist or navigating custody with an abusive ex, one of the most alarming forms of post-separation abuse is stalking and harassment. Even after separation, abusers often find new ways to maintain control and instill fear.

There is no perfect solution for the anxiety and heartbreak of sending your children to a court-ordered visitation you know is harmful. It is an act of survival in a system that often fails to see them. What you can do is focus on what is within your control.

You’re not alone. You’re a good parent. You need support. If you find yourself unable to function when your children leave for visitation, this is for you.

Whether it involves a missed visitation, a medical decision, a school form, or even a conversation that never happened, the narcissist will keep rewriting events in order to provoke and disorient you.

Gaslighting is not just lying. It is a form of psychological abuse designed to make you doubt yourself. In family court, this tactic becomes even more dangerous because it can affect how professionals view you.

A narcissistic father who was disengaged during the marriage—often absent at the births, uninvolved in day-to-day parenting, emotionally unavailable, or even denying paternity—suddenly files for full custody.

The court system is cold and procedural—but your situation is anything but. You are advocating for your children’s safety, your future, and your peace of mind—often while being provoked, gaslit, or falsely accused.

In this storm, staying grounded in strategy can feel nearly impossible. And yet, it’s what the system responds to most.

The Impact of Financial Abuse in Custody Battles: Attorney fees alone can be overwhelming. Add to that the trauma, confusion, and constant legal maneuvering, and it is no wonder survivors often feel depleted and alone. That is exactly the goal of financial abuse: to keep you disempowered and isolated.

Compartmentalization is an incredible tool that helps survivors use strategy rather than emotion on the battlefield. 

A high conflict divorce or child custody battle can take up all of your mental and emotional space very easily - without you even realizing it.

The sheer amount of time it takes to document, meet with attorneys, go to court dates, and gather necessary documents can literally feel like a part to full-time job. 

So how can survivors create a system where they are able to experience a degree of peace, health, and even joy while on the battlefield?

“We love both of you.” Here’s why the “neutral” mutual friend isn’t going to work out when you’re divorcing a narcissist.

Here’s the sad truth: “mutual friends” are not really friends. Not when your ex is abusive. 

Too often in high conflict divorce/child custody battles, mutual friends hesitate to “take sides” in an effort to maintain the relationship with both parties. In a non-high conflict divorce scenario this may be a healthy stance, but in a high conflict scenario this is inappropriate and alienating to the victim.

I was young when I married a narcissistic abuser and I got pregnant with my first child very quickly. 

The first acts of violence happened before I got pregnant, but it got worse after the baby was born. But the narcissist always knew how to put it back on me. He grabbed my arm too tightly and held on too long because I was acting “irrational” (I wanted to go to the grocery store and asked him to take care of the baby). He punched the wall and broke off dry wall right next to my face (because I said no to sex). He bucked me off of him when he was tickling me violently, and my face smashed against the carpet, ripping a bunch of skin off (we were just playing!).

It wasn’t until years later that I gained the courage to even begin looking into what was happening to me. Learning that I was experiencing emotional abuse, sexual coercion, financial sabotage, and gaslighting first made me think I could fix it if I just explained it to him well enough. But as I’m sure everyone reading this knows, it honestly just made it worse.

Divorcing a narcissist is no easy feat for most survivors.

Societally, it’s generally accepted that abuse ends at separation. But the truth is that when you leave a narcissist, the narcissist’s drive to have power and control over you doesn’t go away. They just have to exert new tactics in order to maintain the control they feel entitled to.

This is known as post separation abuse and the reality is that it can be as intense, and sometimes more intense than the abuse survivors endure in a marriage.