Divorcing a narcissist? You did what everyone told you to do. You hired the best attorney. You scraped together the retainer, handed over your fears and your files, and thought, “Someone finally has this. I can breathe.”

Then the emails from your ex kept coming. The kids came home confused and dysregulated. The financial pressure grew. The court dates shifted. Your attorney handled the legal pieces, yet you were still sinking. If this sounds familiar, you are not alone.

Narcissistic individuals generally thrive in the courtroom but their preparation can begin weeks, sometimes months or years in advance. Here’s what the narcissist is doing to prepare for court.

Every time a family member, friend, coworker, or well-meaning grocery story patron has said something like, “Well, do what you need to do, but it’s a shame your family is breaking up.”

As if divorce is the reason the family is “breaking”. As if a traditional two-parent household is what makes children thrive - regardless of what is actually happening in the household.

If you’re divorcing a narcissistic or high conflict individual, you’re here because you instinctively know that you’re in for a difficult battle - and you need to be prepared, aware, and informed.

Narcissistic and high conflict individuals are notoriously vicious when faced with separation and divorce. Knowing what to expect and how to prepare is crucial for your wellbeing.

Staying for the kids is damaging to children in a high-conflict scenario. Learn why.

In a typical divorce scenario, where there is not a high conflict or narcissistic personality at play, coparents can create dynamics and schedules that ease children into a comfortable routine that makes divorce feel less disruptive.

Divorcing a narcissist? When the dust settles, you may realize you are starting again without a reliable support system. In that deep loneliness, the idea of a “chosen family” can become not just comforting, but essential.

The narcissist and the smear campaign. Did your friends suddenly become distant with no clear explanation? Are you reading your ex’s court filings in disbelief at the audacious lies? Have former in-laws or mutual acquaintances contacted you with wild accusations that do not match reality?

Interested in becoming a high conflict divorce coach?

You will witness excruciating injustice. You will listen to stories that break your heart. Some of what you hear will echo your own experiences.

Burnout is a real risk if you do not put specific safeguards in place.

Grey Rock Communication is a style of communication characterized by flat, boring, non reaction. The goal is to starve the narcissist of attention and emotional supply.

The Grey Rock strategy can be very effective at protecting survivors from manipulation, gaslighting, and getting sucked into pointless arguments. It gives your nervous system a chance to step out of constant conflict and reclaim some peace.

Obviously my expectations and beliefs about him, post separation, were wrong. The more I believed in his ability to show up as a healthy human, the deeper my disappointment. The more I tried to offer grace and confidence in him, the nastier he became and the more vile his words and actions toward me were.

Finding the courage to leave a narcissistic abuser after any period of time together is a tremendous feat. And most survivors expect a level of backlash from the narcissist, but can anything really prepare you for the curated manipulation you will almost certainly receive from the person you once loved deeply? Whether they are promising to change, crying, sending you old photos, or taking drastic actions to manipulate you into rethinking your decision, here’s what you need to know as you enter this phase of post separation abuse.

Narcissistic abusers crave control over you, your children, and how others perceive you and your relationship with your children.

They will use anything and everything, including your child’s innocent words, for image management.

Divorcing a narcissist? They may begin attending the child’s activities, meeting with teachers, counselors and others, messaging you about “collaboration” in coparenting endeavors, purchasing needed items for the child, taking and posting an overabundance of happy, smiling photos with the child.

As survivors know, divorcing a narcissist is not a sprint, it is a marathon. My coach made that marathon far less painful and far less lonely. Through the process, I learned a few truths that still ground me today: Narcissistic abuse is naturally isolating, even after separation but we are not alone. From social service programs to food pantries, support groups, and online communities, help exists everywhere. My coach lovingly reminded me that isolation was part of the illusion. Seeing that clearly changed everything.

In high conflict divorces, gaslighting becomes one of the most powerful weapons in the narcissist’s arsenal. It is used to distort reality, exhaust you emotionally, and weaken your credibility in front of the court.

We believe in calling it what it is. Narcissists and their legal teams often rely on gaslighting to confuse professionals, silence victims, and rewrite history.

I am in the thick of a high conflict divorce with a narcissist, and I am still holding out hope they will change. Help.

First things first: give yourself the biggest hug. You are not weak. You are human.

Hoping, believing, and holding onto even a sliver of faith that your narcissistic partner or ex might change is as normal as it is painful.

Narcissists deliberately erode confidence and clarity. They want you to doubt your intelligence and second-guess your own words. So when you’re asked to explain yourself, even by someone safe, your nervous system still reacts as if you’re on trial.

In a typical divorce, there are ups and downs including some conflicts but ultimately, the divorce moves toward resolution.

If the conflict seems to escalate, and new conflicts continue to emerge over seemingly innocuous issues, you may be experiencing a high conflict divorce.

“It was during my own child custody case that I recognized the need for divorce coaches and advocates who could make real and measurable differences in the lives of those targeted by high-conflict litigants.  

I remember feeling helpless in a court system that prioritized parental rights over my child’s right to safety. I have created the program that I wish existed when I first started my child custody battle in 2009.” - Tina Swithin, Founder, High Conflict Divorce Certification Program

Myth: To guide others through high conflict divorce and/or child custody battles, I must be fully healed.

Truth: The concept of “fully healed” is rooted in shame and perfectionism. We withhold opportunities, experiences, and necessary challenges from ourselves due to a belief that we are not worthy until we are “healed”.