I Stopped Hoping My Ex Would Be a Good Parent and Everything Changed

Perpetrators of domestic abuse and narcissistic abuse condition victims to live in a world of “maybe this time, things will be different.” During the relationship, that hope is often what keeps you going. You tell yourself the apology sounded sincere, the insight finally landed, or the behavior will shift.

Unfortunately, that cycle often continues long after separation.

When you are married to a narcissistic abuser, the abuse cycle keeps you suspended in anticipation. You are constantly waiting for the version of them you were promised. The loving partner. The responsible parent. The person who will finally show up.

Even after divorce, many survivors discover that the hope for change does not disappear. Instead, it attaches itself to parenting.

You may find yourself thinking, maybe now they will put the children first. Maybe the separation will be the wake up call. Maybe this time will be different.

When Hope Becomes Toxic

Hope itself is not the problem. Hope is often necessary for emotional survival.

But hope becomes toxic when it is anchored in someone’s potential rather than their demonstrated behavior.

When survivors repeatedly hope their ex will parent in a loving, healthy way, only to experience heartbreak after each exchange or visitation, that hope begins to extract a cost. The cycle brings anger, grief, and emotional exhaustion.

Over time, this pattern affects mental health, physical wellbeing, and the nervous system. Many survivors live in a constant state of anxiety before parenting time and emotional recovery afterward.

Choosing Radical Acceptance

Rather than remaining on the emotional roller coaster of toxic hope, many survivors reach a turning point and choose radical acceptance.

Radical acceptance does not mean approval. It does not mean you like the situation or stop wanting change. It means you see reality clearly, without bargaining with it.

Reality is what it is right now.

When you accept that truth, you stop expending energy trying to extract something from someone who has consistently shown you their limitations. You redirect that energy toward what you can influence.

Radical acceptance moves you from reacting to preparing. Instead of hoping for a different outcome, you anticipate the most likely one and plan accordingly. You build a care team. You ask for support. You create routines that protect your mental health and your child’s wellbeing.

When Protective Parents Embrace Radical Acceptance

When protective parents stop hoping their narcissistic coparent will suddenly become safe or consistent, something shifts.

You begin to take action.

You stop relying on the other parent to meet your child’s needs during their parenting time and work toward building a wider net of support. You prepare for transitions. You plan for emotional fallout. You become proactive rather than bracing for disappointment.

With time, many parents experience greater emotional stability. When your child comes home, you are grounded. You know what to expect. You are prepared, present, and calm.

Radical acceptance does not eliminate grief. But it often reduces chaos.

How Do I Develop Radical Acceptance?

Radical acceptance is a practice, not a switch.

One place to begin is by naming both the emotion and the reality without trying to escape either:

“I feel overwhelmed. That is the reality right now. This feeling will pass. But right now, I feel overwhelmed.”

This approach allows emotions to move through you rather than control you. It builds resilience and clarity over time.

Certified High Conflict Divorce Coaches are trained to help survivors develop radical acceptance while navigating high conflict divorces and custody battles. This mindset is not about giving up. It is about protecting your energy so it can be used strategically and sustainably.

Are you divorcing a narcissist or navigating a child custody battle with a high conflict individual? If you are a survivor walking this difficult path, we encourage you to explore our online courses at therulebookacademy.com or connect with a graduate from our coach training program at hcdivorcecoach.com/category.

If you are a survivor looking to turn your pain into purpose, we invite you to explore our eight week certification course at hcdivorcecoach.com.