I Stopped Expecting My Narcissistic Ex To Do the Right Thing – Here’s What Happened
When you expect a narcissistic abuser to be healthy, unselfish, or understanding, you are setting yourself up for disappointment and betrayal.
Who hasn’t believed, with all their heart, that with the right kind of love, the narcissist will change?
I spent over a decade in my marriage trying to fix myself so that the narcissist could be the happy, loving, caring person he was during the love bombing phases that were frequent enough to keep me stuck, but far apart enough to make me truly miserable and lonely.
The decision to divorce wasn’t easy. It took years of learning and empowerment combined with years of abuse for me to realize that he definitely wasn’t changing, and even then, I still believed, post separation, that without me in the picture as a spouse, he would change.
I believed that he, like other healthy coparents existing out there in the world, would:
Make decisions for our children based on their needs, not whatever suited him in the moment.
Be an active, healthy, loving, and supportive part of our children’s lives, not a controlling, irresponsible, erratic, and immature figure that came and went as he pleased.
Be financially responsible for his half of the children’s expenses.
Show up and be supportive of the kids’ activities, appointments, interests, and events.
Treat me like a coparent, a teammate, maybe a friend.
Obviously my expectations and beliefs about him, post separation, were wrong. The more I believed in his ability to show up as a healthy human, the deeper my disappointment. The more I tried to offer grace and confidence in him, the nastier he became and the more vile his words and actions toward me were.
“It Isn’t Realistic to Expect Normalcy From a Narcissist”
My Certified High Conflict Divorce Coach helped me realize something that changed everything.
It isn’t realistic to expect normalcy from a narcissist. They aren't capable of delivering.
It is like expecting a two year old to recite Shakespeare.
Pointless. Ridiculous. And all for naught. Because the two year old cannot. And neither can the narcissist.
And the more we expect it, the more we believe it will happen, and the more disappointment we feel when it doesn’t happen.
Radical Acceptance When Divorcing a Narcissist
The key when divorcing a narcissist is to expect from them what they are capable of giving.
When I stopped expecting kindness and normalcy, and started expecting manipulation, I stopped feeling disappointment. I didn’t feel bitterness or anger, or even frustration. I just knew I needed more boundaries in order to protect myself from any harm that could come from the manipulation.
When I stopped expecting my ex to coparent with me, I stopped feeling heartbroken and realized that I needed to take action to build my village. I learned how important it was to build my own support system so that I wasn’t dependent on my ex to offer the kids support, love, or care. I learned that I had been wasting precious energy, time, and emotion on someone who simply wasn’t capable of being a present, healthy parent.
Radical Acceptance Protected Me From My Narcissistic Ex
Ultimately, developing a mindset of radical acceptance may have saved my life.
As I lived in reality more and more, I was better able to see what my ex was doing, and how it was harming the kids and myself. I began to be able to predict his patterns and I saw how destructive he was becoming.
When he would file frivolous motions against me, instead of taking them to heart and trying to fix myself so that he would stop, I started to understand that this was another abuse tactic. I began to see his stalking behaviors for what they were, dangerous precursors to violence rather than “cute” behaviors of a man missing his family.
I Stopped Expecting My Narcissistic Ex to Do The “Right Thing”
When I stopped expecting the narcissist to eventually do the right thing and change, I stopped hurting.
My heart stopped breaking over and over again.
My anxiety diminished, because I was finally able to burst out of freeze mode and start taking much needed action.
When I stopped expecting my narcissistic ex to love our kids the same way I do, I stopped waiting for something that would never happen.
With all of the extra mental space, emotional energy, and physical strength I have gained since letting go of the hope, delusion, and fruitless belief, I can love myself and my kids more.
If this feels like something you want to know more about, I highly suggest bringing a Certified High Conflict Divorce Coach into your life. Mine changed my life. Find a Certified High Conflict Divorce Coach Near You.
