My Narcissistic Ex is Pressuring Me to Call Off Our Divorce – Help!
From “Let’s start fresh, I’ll change this time,” to “I will die without you, watch me,” the narcissist will do everything to keep you stuck in the marriage.
Finding the courage to leave a narcissistic abuser after any period of time together is a tremendous feat. And most survivors expect a level of backlash from the narcissist, but can anything really prepare you for the curated manipulation you will almost certainly receive from the person you once loved deeply? Whether they are promising to change, crying, sending you old photos, or taking drastic actions to manipulate you into rethinking your decision, here’s what you need to know as you enter this phase of post separation abuse.
Narcissistic Abusers Use the Same Tactics to Keep Survivors Stuck, But It Can Be Difficult To See These Tactics As Abuse
Because narcissistic abusers excel at manipulation, their hoovering tactics, strategies to keep victims in the relationship after attempting to leave, often seem sincere. Common tactics include:
Love bombing: “I’ve changed,” “I’ll go into a program.”
Guilting or shaming: “Don’t break our family apart, we are meant to be together,” “We are soul mates.”
Threats and intimidation: “If we don’t do this together, we don’t do it at all,” “You won’t take my kids from me.”
Manipulative vulnerability: “I will die if you leave me. You’re my only reason for living.”
Most narcissists know exactly how to use these tactics without coming across as threatening, manipulative, or abusive.
Narcissistic Abusers Aren’t Using These Tactics Because They Want a Healthy, Loving Relationship. It’s About Power.
Understanding why the abuser is using these tactics is just as important as being aware of the tactics themselves.
It can be easy to slip into a mindset of believing the abuser, and assuming that they are hoovering you because they really do love you, and they really do want to keep the family together.
The reality is that abuse is always rooted in a desire for power and control. If the abuser truly wanted to keep the family together from a place of love, it never would have gotten to this place, and they would be working on themself and the harm they have caused rather than maintaining control over your decisions.
You Can’t Talk Sense Into a Narcissistic Abuser Trying to Hoover You Back In – You Can Only Protect Your Precious Energy
Many survivors fall prey to the narcissist’s emotional vampirism during this phase of post separation abuse. The narcissist’s manipulative vulnerability may draw them in to long conversations, rehashing old arguments, or deep sadness from looking at old photos or revisiting old memories.
The narcissist wants your time and attention. They know that if they can keep you engaged in an argument or conversation long enough, they may be able to talk you into reconciliation.
You cannot explain even the most logical decision to a narcissist if it is not beneficial to them.
Rather than wasting your precious energy trying to get understanding or approval from your narcissistic ex, work toward creating boundaries that protect you from ever entering into those spaces in the first place.
If the narcissistic abuser is adept at creating situations where they can be physically alone with you, try to have a friend or family member physically with you during this period of time.
If the narcissist draws you into long phone conversations under the pretense of “talking about the kids”, consider using a coparenting app and switching your communication to written only.
If the narcissist sends you old photos to drudge up old memories, consider blocking them or asking a third party to review and delete unnecessary messages before you see them.
You can do this. Leaving a narcissist is not easy, but thousands of survivors have completed the process with their heads held high.
You can too.
Find a Certified High Conflict Divorce Coach Near You.
