The “Stay Together For The Kids” Myth
Staying for the kids is damaging to children in a high-conflict scenario. Learn why.
In a typical divorce scenario, where there is not a high conflict or narcissistic personality at play, coparents can create dynamics and schedules that ease children into a comfortable routine that makes divorce feel less disruptive.
But in a high conflict divorce, many protective parents weigh the impossible reality that by leaving their abuser, they may be exposing their children to danger, unprotected.
The Impossible Question: Should Survivors Leave Abusive Partners When Children Are Involved?
And the answer? Yes. Absolutely yes.
Divorce is life-saving when you’re in a relationship with a high conflict or narcissistic person. You cannot protect your children at all if you are emotionally beaten down, physically unwell, and in a mental fog.
We like to describe this part of the process (leaving the abuser), like putting on your own oxygen mask. You will need to take a leap of faith as you exit the relationship, take a moment to breathe and orient yourself, then armed with newfound community, support, knowledge, and strength, strategically empower and liberate your children.
What if The Abusive Parent Gets 50/50 Parenting Time?
In most US states, 50/50 custody is the norm. We are strongly opposed to this, and also understand that it’s the framework that protective parents must learn to operate within.
Understand that in the time you are with your children, you are showing them what a healthy family really looks and feels like - that is something you could never do under the same roof as the abuser.
During your parenting time, you are teaching your child:
Self-advocacy
Boundaries
Empathy
Individuality
Authenticity
Strength in safe in communities
We won’t sugarcoat this: During the times when your child is with the abusive parent, you will feel fear, sometimes paralyzing. But with intention and strategy, you will be simultaneously empowering your child and learning how to use the family court system to protect your child.
You Can Do This
You didn’t choose this incredibly difficult situation. You did not know your partner was abusive. You did not know you would have to make impossibly painful decisions to simply survive.
And even with the grief, fear, pain, and confusion - you are here - seeking resources, seeking clarity.
You’re not alone, and we are eager to offer support.
If you are a survivor navigating this difficult journey, we encourage you to explore our online courses at therulebookacademy.com or connect with a graduate from our coach training program at hcdivorcecoach.com/category.
If you are a survivor looking to turn your pain into purpose, we invite you to explore our eight-week certification course at hcdivorcecoach.com
