Why Is My Narcissistic Ex Suddenly the “Perfect Parent”?
A month ago they didn’t know our child’s birthday, and now they’re wearing matching sweaters and signed up for “daddy and me yoga”… what’s going on?
If you’re like many survivors, your ex was disengaged and distant before separation. And now suddenly they’re Parent of the Year.
No, you’re not crazy. This is a common occurrence in a High Conflict Custody Battle. Here’s what you need to know.
The Narcissistic Parent’s “Image Management Trap”
The narcissist’s sudden interest in, and maybe even follow-through with being a fantastic parent is not about your child, it’s about everyone who is watching.
Narcissists love an audience. They love praise. And they love playing a character. When courts get involved, they get to step into the character of Perfect Parent, and many do a great job filling that role for a time because this role serves a purpose.
Why is the Narcissist Playing the “Perfect Parent” Role?
The better the narcissist plays the role of Perfect Parent, the more likely they are to:
Gain custody, which equals control. The more custody they have, the more access they have to you, the child’s parent.
Earn praise and admiration from those who have to choose sides. Not only are family, friends, neighbors, teachers, and counselors often picking sides in a divorce or custody battle, but there is an entire legion of family court professionals that the abuser is trying to win over. They don’t see family court as an opportunity to gain support and resources. They see it as an opportunity to win.
Scratch the “Revenge Itch.” Observing your discomfort, anger, and confusion as they play Perfect Parent and gain praise, support, and perhaps custody fuels their actions and fills them with narcissistic supply.
They may begin attending the child’s activities, meeting with teachers, counselors and others, messaging you about “collaboration” in coparenting endeavors, purchasing needed items for the child, taking and posting an overabundance of happy, smiling photos with the child.
This does not mean the narcissist has changed, or that this change will be permanent.
It simply means that the abuser is playing a role very, very well.
How Do I Stay Grounded When the Narcissist is Performing For Family Court Professionals?
Watching this play out can be deeply upsetting.
You know the narcissist’s true character.
To see family court professionals believe that the narcissist behaves this way all the time, or believe that the narcissist has truly changed, can feel defeating and beyond frustrating.
Finding ways to stay grounded in reality is essential for your mental health and ability to stay on the battlefield with strategy and strength.
Remember that you do not have to compete with the narcissistic abuser. Your consistent, healthy, non showy parenting is what your child needs. The abuser may try to goad you into believing you should be doing more, or the court system is looking poorly on you for not doing more. Stay steady and keep offering your children healthy, safe love. The narcissist cannot and will not keep this up forever.
Document the discrepancies factually. Certified High Conflict Divorce Coaches can help you strategically document the narcissist’s behavior effectively.
Protect your energy and your child’s energy. Taking your eyes off the narcissist and focusing on your child’s health and safety, and your health and safety, can help you stay grounded. The narcissist is trying to grab your attention and keep your eyes on them. They want you distracted, disturbed, and disheveled. Refuse to play the game. Don’t jump in the ring.
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