Under-explaining & Over-explaining: Trying to Communicate as a Victim of Narcissistic Abuse

Under-explaining vs. Over-explaining After Narcissistic Abuse

Whether it’s in your personal life, at work, or in court, your communication style may have been hijacked by the narcissist’s chronic gaslighting.

Most survivors find themselves responding to ongoing psychological assault by either shutting down (under-explaining) or going into communication overdrive (over-explaining). Can you relate to this description?

How It Shows Up

Picture this: Your boss starts a conversation about a decision you made. They’re not upset, just curious. You know that, but your body doesn’t. Your brain scrambles, words get stuck, and you give short, clipped answers that barely scratch the surface. Later, in the shower or lying in bed, you replay it perfectly in your head. But in the moment, all you can do is freeze. You walk away convinced you seemed rude or incompetent.

Maybe you land on the other end of the spectrum.

Your boss starts that same conversation, and panic floods in. You rush to prove your good intentions, speaking too fast, too long, repeating yourself in slightly different ways. By the end, you’re left feeling like you’ve unraveled the trust you’ve worked so hard to build.

Why It Happens

When you’ve spent years being told you’re selfish, confusing, or impossible to communicate with, those lies take root.

Narcissists deliberately erode confidence and clarity. They want you to doubt your intelligence and second-guess your own words. So when you’re asked to explain yourself—even by someone safe—your nervous system still reacts as if you’re on trial.

It’s no wonder so many survivors either go silent to avoid being misunderstood, or talk themselves in circles to avoid being judged.

Rebuilding Your Voice

Undoing this pattern takes time and self-compassion. Many survivors find healing through therapy, somatic work, and trauma-informed support networks.

If you feel safe doing so, try naming this dynamic with the people you trust. Something simple can open the door:

“As a survivor of narcissistic abuse, I sometimes shut down or over-explain when I’m asked questions. It’s something I’m working on, and I’d appreciate your patience or feedback when you notice it happening.”

Healthy, emotionally safe people won’t weaponize that vulnerability. They’ll meet you with patience, and that’s how you slowly start to trust your voice again.

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