Why am I Still Holding Out Hope That My Narcissistic Partner Will Change?

“I am in the thick of a high conflict divorce with a narcissist, and I am still holding out hope they will change. Help.”

First things first: give yourself the biggest hug. You are not weak. You are human.

Hoping, believing, and holding onto even a sliver of faith that your narcissistic partner or ex might change is as normal as it is painful.

Divorce is a marathon. A high conflict divorce is an ultra-marathon. Along the way, you may see flashes of the kind, charming, attentive person you once fell for.

There will be stretches of time, sometimes weeks or months, when they seem to commit to therapy, a recovery program, or even spiritual work.

Moments when they are friendly, supportive, almost nostalgic. There may even be times when you miss their warmth or the closeness that once felt so real.

What Does Real Change Look Like?

Narcissistic abusers almost never change. For those who claim to have changed, it should be met with a pretty healthy distrust. Those glimpses of kindness or connection are usually part of the same manipulation cycle that keeps you tethered.

Real change does not happen in spurts of good behavior. It requires long term accountability, professional intervention, and humility, qualities that go against the narcissistic core. Even when a highly narcissistic person seeks therapy, true transformation takes years, often decades, and it rarely involves genuine empathy for the person they have harmed. In intensive therapy, they may learn how to act - but empathy is not something that can be taught.

How Do I Push Through the Grief?

Knowing the truth intellectually does not stop the ache. You will still grieve the version of them that once felt safe and loving. You may catch yourself thinking, If I could just have that part of them, their best twenty percent, I could live with that.

But you cannot build a life on twenty percent.
You deserve safety, respect, and emotional consistency, not occasional kindness between episodes of harm.

If you once had the clarity and courage to leave, trust that version of yourself. She made the decision from truth, not fear. Stand by her, even when the loneliness feels unbearable.

Surround yourself with safe, compassionate support. Find other survivors who understand the pull of trauma bonds and the slow process of untangling them.

You do not have to do this alone.

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