“I Can’t Function When My Kids Are With Their Narcissistic Parent on Visitation”
You’re not alone. You’re a good parent. You need support. If you find yourself unable to function when your children leave for visitation with the other parent, this is for you.
Many protective parents experience a lesser-known trauma response called “Flop” immediately or soon after the children leave for visitation. We often hear about fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses, but flop is just as real. It can look like: numbness or dissociation, overwhelming exhaustion and fatigue, inability to process or verbalize feelings, loss of motivation or desire to do anything. If you recognize yourself here, know this: there is no shame in it. Survivors often tell us they feel embarrassed, guilty, or believe they “should be using this time more wisely.” But the truth is: your nervous system is in survival mode. This is not laziness or failure. It’s a normal human response to chronic stress and trauma.
Why You Don’t Need to Organize Your Entire House While Your Kids Are with the Abuser
We hear it over and over: “They were gone for a whole week and my house is still in shambles. I wanted to clean everything and be ready for them, but I failed.” “I planned to work out and practice self-care so I’d be a happy mom when they came home, but I barely got off the couch.” “I got sick the day they left and couldn’t do anything.” “I just slept. I tried to clean, to work, to do projects, but I couldn’t stop sleeping.” If you’re saying these things to yourself, pause. Give yourself permission to throw the lists away. Put your workout clothes back in the closet. Take this time to simply rest. A high-conflict custody battle is exhausting enough. Add the trauma of co-parenting with someone abusive, and your body is fighting a battle you cannot see. The chronic stress alone is a health threat. This might literally be harming your body, so don’t feel obligated to deep-clean your house this week. Instead, allow yourself compassion and grace. Listen to what your body is asking for: if you need sleep, sleep. If you need food, eat. If you want to watch trash TV, watch it. Your worth is not measured by how productive you are during your children's visitation.
“But My House Is a Mess. My Life Feels Like Chaos.”
If your surroundings feel chaotic, you’re not alone. Many survivors struggle to function well in messy, neglected spaces. That is valid. But you don’t have to do everything right now. Rest first. Accomplish later. When you have energy again, consider your options creatively: ask friends or family for help. Barter skills with someone who can assist. Hire help if possible, or plan toward it. And pause to examine why the mess feels so unbearable. Your abusive co-parent may have demanded perfection: a perfect house, a perfect body, a perfect life. Those standards can remain buried in your mind long after you leave. Ask yourself: “What can I let go of?” “What actually matters to me?” Focus on your authentic needs and desires, not the conditioned demands of the abuser.
You Deserve Support
Your mental and physical health are essential during this process. We always recommend working with a trauma-informed counselor and building a strong support network. And if you want more structured, strategic help with the realities of co-parenting with a narcissist or navigating family court? Certified High Conflict Divorce Coaches understand the trauma you’re living through. They can help you recognize and manage trauma responses like “flop,” strategically prepare for the challenges of visitation and exchange, plan realistic goals for your time apart, and create a safety-focused, sustainable approach to co-parenting. Our coaches are trained specifically to support parents in high-conflict custody situations with compassion, expertise, and a deep understanding of post-separation abuse. You do not have to do this alone. If you want to learn more about the certification program or find a coach to work with you, visit www.hcdivorcecoach.com.
