What To Expect When Divorcing a Narcissistic Spouse
Going through a divorce is never easy and in fact, it is known to be one of life's greatest stressors. Even when spouses are committed to keeping things civil, conflict can arise, and derail the best laid plans and intentions.
Starting divorce proceedings with a narcissist typically means the volume of the conflict is turned up to deafening levels. By the time one gets to the point of divorcing a narcissist, they are often in a deep fog because they have suffered years of coercive control. The majority of people who are targeted by a narcissist (and end up in relationships with one), are kind, empathetic, loving and conflict avoidant by nature. On the other hand, the narcissist thrives in times of conflict - it is a feed source for them. Divorcing a narcissist is typically a very uneven playing field despite one's best attempts at civility.
What to expect if you are divorcing a narcissist?
First, it's important to understand what we are up against: what is a narcissist?
I see narcissism on a scale and it's important to remember that to some degree, we all have narcissistic traits and there is healthy narcissism. There are some who are much higher on the scale and it becomes problematic in their day-to-day lives or during times of conflict, and then there are those who are so extreme that they are candidates for a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissistic personality disorder is included in a bundle of personality disorders classified as, Cluster B personality disorders. Along with narcissistic personality disorder, there is antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder and histrionic personality disorder.
It is very important to clarify that personality disorders are very different from mental illness. Mental illness implies that someone can receive treatment such as prescribed medication or therapy. With a personality disorder, there is no available treatment. It is very rare to find someone diagnosed with a personality disorder in therapy unless it is for self-serving reasons such as marital counseling or couples therapy to save a relationship. In a therapeutic setting, and with a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder, the only hope lies in learning what behaviors are acceptable and what behaviors are destructive. The reality is the work a diagnosed narcissist will do in therapy is surface level work and the narcissist is destined to go through life acting. They are roleplaying in what has become a game to them, the game of life.
The name “narcissist” comes from the Greek myth about Narcissus, who drowned admiring his own reflection in a pool of water. A narcissist is so highly self-involved that they aren’t capable of seeing or caring about other’s needs. Someone who is incapable of putting others needs ahead of their own, is not a safe or healthy person to care for children so when a divorce with a narcissist involves child custody, the thought of a narcissist receiving any percentage of custody is a terrifying proposition
Covert vs. Overt Narcissist
While there are lots of different subcategories when profiling the narcissist, there are two main types that we see often: the covert narcissist and the overt narcissist. Both types can be challenging to deal with, but their presentation is very different.
Covert Narcissists
Covert narcissists are often more introverted which goes against the stereotypical image of a loud, obnoxious egomaniac. A covert narcissist doesn't present as a person with obvious narcissistic traits. Their behaviors are more subtle. As a result, you may not notice the warning signs of narcissism until you have known them for a long time. When you're married to a covert narcissist, other people may not understand why you seek a divorce. Only those closest to the covert narcissist often know about their narcissistic tendencies. This type of narcissist tends to be more strategic and successful in family court proceedings as they are often more charming and skilled at playing the victim.
Overt Narcissists
Overt narcissists are far more apparent than those with covert narcissistic traits. People who fall into this category tend to have big personalities and are much easier to identify. Often, they seek attention and may do so in ways that are negative and detrimental to themselves. Even those who barely know them will likely spot the signs of narcissistic behavior. On the other side of that coin, if the overt, charismatic narcissist is skilled at impression management, they can be incredibly charming and calculated in their approach.
Identifying narcissistic behavior
If you're facing a divorce with an overt narcissist, you likely already know what you are in for because overt narcissist traits are often so extreme. However, covert narcissistic behavior can be much more challenging to identify, and it may take you by surprise because we underestimate them.
Some typical covert narcissistic behaviors include:
Giving backhanded compliments that minimize other people's strengths and successes
Seeking praise and reassurance in a manipulative way by asking for feedback even when they know they have done an excellent job
Trying to make you feel guilt or shame when you don't behave how they want you too
Deflecting blame even when they are clearly at fault
Striving to create confusion in a stressful situation and taking pleasure in success
Manipulating you or tricking you into doing things
Procrastinating and then playing victim or expecting other people to cover for them
Lavishing gifts on other people to alter other's perceptions or to win praise or alliance
These behaviors are likely to manifest during a divorce proceeding, as a covert narcissistic spouse will be determined to preserve their self-image. Their behavior often includes stalking through the conventional ways but also using social media and tracking devices. More painful, the covert narcissist’s attempts to manipulate the children are more stealth, conniving and successful.
Tips for Handling a Narcissist During a Divorce
Document Everything
Narcissists are prone to misrepresentation, manipulation, gaslighting and blatant lies. They are not capable of acting or behaving with integrity during a divorce. They see divorce as a war and the loss of power and control in the relationship triggers them. It is about winning to the narcissist and in their minds, winning means that they get everything, and you get nothing.
Documentation and impeccable record keeping is very important. Because the narcissist cannot be trusted, keeping all communication in writing is very important. If you are forced to speak in person, make sure that there is a witness present. For in person meetings, document the time, date and location while describing what happened and for additional insurance, have your witness do the same.
Let Your Lawyer Do the Fighting
Choosing your battles very wisely and not engaging can be a challenge for many when in the beginning phases of a divorce with a narcissist. During hearings or during other important junctures, a narcissistic spouse may try to bait you or trigger you into reacting emotionally with the goal of showing you to be unstable. These situations require an attorney who understands these toxic individuals and one who can serve as your voice and advocate.
Enlist the Help of a High Conflict Divorce Coach
High conflict divorce coaches specialize in helping people navigate ugly, complicated divorce proceedings. If you're divorcing someone with high narcissistic traits or a diagnosed personality disorder, they can help you develop coping strategies and a plan of action to minimize conflict and ensure a fairer outcome. They can also help you better control your emotions during tense interactions, so you're empowered to deescalate when a narcissist attempts to set you off or to manipulate you. While a high conflict divorce coach cannot give legal advice nor can they replace a therapist, they can serve as a trusted and integral part of your team.
