How to Find Meaning in Life When Your Children are with Their Abusive Parent
When your children are with the abusive parent, life can feel empty and devoid of meaning.
Your calling, your purpose is parenthood - and when you feel like you can’t protect them, teach them, hold them in your arms, nothing feels right.
The quiet house or apartment can amplify the sense that everything is deeply wrong. With no one to feed, talk to, teach, laugh with, or care for, you may feel directionless and anxious.
We want to normalize this reality - having to give your children to an abusive parent is simply not okay. It’s unnatural and and can make even the strongest individuals feel broken, scared, and purposeless.
So what can you do to survive and even thrive in this reality?
The Gift of Radical Acceptance
Nothing replaces the peace you will feel when your children are physically present with you. And to try to pretend otherwise would be disingenuous.
However, it is absolutely possible, and even necessary, to work toward building moments of greater peace, stability, and security when your children are on visitation with the other parent.
Work Toward a Mental Reframe: This is Your Time to BUILD
When your children are physically with you, your focus is on them. You are present. You are teaching, you are loving, you are healing, you are nourishing.
When they are with the other parent, your focus can shift to a mental reframe: this is your time to build.
Perhaps that is rebuilding your physical strength through rigorous exercise, medical appointments for bettering your health, gentle movement, or outdoor exploration.
Or maybe your abusive ex has destroyed your financial stability and it’s time to focus on rebuilding your financial security through applying for jobs, finding free or low-cost job training, online classes, networking, or taking on extra hours to earn more income.
You can focus on building your identity beyond survival and crisis. Simple steps to rebuilding identity may include:
Spirituality or mindfulness exercises
Joining an online or in-person survivor community
Pursuing a hobby (Yes! Even in the throes of a high conflict divorce or custody battle)
Participating in artistic pursuits, like writing, singing, or creating art
Reframe Visitation as Recovery Time
For many protective parents, too much rest can feel overly indulgent and can lead to overthinking and anxiety. However, rest is absolutely necessary when your nervous system is on high alert.
Try to reframe this time as your time to recover so that when your children return, they experience a rested, refreshed, and fully present present.
Finding Meaning When Your Kids Are at Visitation Isn’t Nice, It’s Necessary
It can be tempting to use every visitation period as a chance to catch up on documentation, stew about what the other parent might be trying to modify or file in court, or simply wait for the agony to end.
But finding meaning in your life, even when the pain is at its peak, isn’t just nice, it’s necessary. Without meaning, it can become very easy to succumb to the throes of anxiety and depression, and quickly lose the spark that helps our children feel safe, loved, and secure when they are physically with us.
Many survivors need the guidance and support of a Certified High Conflict Divorce Coach to navigate this incredibly difficult and overwhelming situation. If you are a survivor navigating this difficult journey, we encourage you to explore our online courses at therulebookacademy.com or connect with a graduate from our coach training program at hcdivorcecoach.com/category.
If you are a survivor looking to turn your pain into purpose, we invite you to explore our eight-week certification course at hcdivorcecoach.com
